As Ferretbrain's resident crystal-ball gazer, Claire E. Fitzgerald took an astral voyage this week to Los Angeles, to visit the 2007 International Fraudulent Mediums Convention. While there, she took time out to scoop an interview with one of the rising stars of the new generation of psychics: Madame Loris Oblomovna.

Claire E. Fitzgerald: Thank you for agreeing to talk to Ferretbrain.com, Madame Oblomovna.

Madame Loris Oblomovna: Is okay. Thank you for agreeing buying this margarita. Is nice. The ferrets magazine must be having big expenses budget. Also therefore I will be having second margarita, and then Big Mac meal with barbecue sauce and Fanta. And then maybe third margarita, depends on balance of humours.

CEF: Well, I'm sure Kyra won't mind. Anyway, I'd like to talk about the origin of your psychic work. Where are you from, originally?

MLO: Originally, I am seventh daughter of seventh daughter, in traditional gypsy community, from Bromsgrove.

CEF: Bromsgrove in Essex?

MLO: No, Bromsgrove in Kyrgyzstan. We do that a lot in the Old Country, like we have a Georgia over there and a shitter version here in America, is Cold War thing, to make confusion for the bombers.

CEF: I see. And when did you first realise that you had these powers?

MLO: Well, one day I was in my traditional Bromsgrove caravan reading Smash Hits and listening to new 5-Star tape, and suddenly I was aware of knocking and rattling on table in front of me, and I just had sense.

CEF: Like, the sense of a presence?

MLO: No, common sense. I run away.

CEF: Ah, of course.

MLO: And when I return, I am turning tape over, and it is playing; but my ghetto-blaster is being bust, so it is playing backwards. And that is when I am first hearing message from beyond the grave.

CEF: By playing a 5-Star tape backwards?

MLO: Yes.

CEF: And who did the message come from?

MLO: Kerry Mangel, out of Neighbours.

CEF: What did it say?

MLO: It said, I have been reunited with Basil and am at peace.

CEF: And Basil was?

MLO: Lucy Robinson's dog. He was dramatically lost at sea, before they got Bouncer. Very traumatic time. Very traumatic.

CEF: And you've been receiving messages from people who have passed over ever since? Would you care to tell me about some of them?

MLO: Well, I often am speaking with Angie Watts, but, you know, it's very difficult to get any sense out of her. She's most of the time a little bit, you know[she goes cross-eyed].

CEF: Gosh! I never knew that the dead could still get drunk.

MLO: Sometimes they are finding it easier than the living to be getting drunk, in such places! Hey, you! Waiter! I will be having top-up please, today, while still young!

CEF: Who is the last person you spoke to, from the other side?

MLO: Not counting him? Last person was Mac from Green Wing. He is most tragic to die at such age, but still clowning around in heaven, all the time is getting his bum out. Girls are loving it. This is nice to know.

CEF: Yesvery nice. Look, I have to ask you thishave you ever heard anything from the most famous one of allyou know, J.R. Ewing?

MLO: What, you are taking piss out of me? He is American character in soap opera, he totally made up, what, you stupid or something? Interview is over.

CEF: No, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to appear disrespectful. It's just that British people have some very odd theories, you know, it's all down to our diverse genetic heritage, a man in the Guardian says so.

MLO: Well, alright. Before you go and get my Big Mac Meal I will be making you one reading, to predict the future of your little ferret magazine, OK. Let me seehere I place the cardsnow must be concentrating.coooooooncentraaaaaating! Now, you are choosing one card and turning it over. [Claire E. Fitzgerald is choosing a card and turning it over.] Ahh, this is most interesting. This card is a card of change and evolution, referring to your great undiscovered potential! Though weak in combat you have great stamina and the ability to charm your opponent 30% of the time, causing confusion.

CEF: That looks like a Pokemon. It's Jigglypuff, isn't it?

MLO: It's Igglybuff, you big moron! You not evolved into Jigglypuff yet, in your dreams! Go away! Consultation is over!

CEF: Thankyou, Madame Loris Oblomovna!

MLO: Get out! Go, before I am smiting you with Magic Missile! Bring me my lunch! I am casting on you Speed of the Elf-Boots! That's a second initiative roll and two extra movement points per turn, and don't you forget it! And don't you be trying your Cuteness Charm Attack on me, either, I level THIRTEEN!