Film
Prequels and sequels have been the main cinematic events this month. The former was represented by the utterly chilling Hannibal the Foetus, which explores the deepest origins of film's most preposterous serial killer. The scene where he pops straight out of the birth canal and eviscerates two midwives with the business end of a ventuouse had preview audiences spewing into their popcorn. At the other end of the spectrum, Zombie Balboa proves that the working-class boxing hero can still pack a punch despite having died in a geriatric hospice and been cryogenically frozen for the past 15 years.

Theatre
In a triumphant fusion of Hair meets Harry Potter, this season sees Daniel Radcliffe walking round on stage with no clothes on for two hours, and has seen critics absolutely rapt. "What a groundbreaking, lyrical, inspiring, fabulous bum!" one exclaimed, "Was there meant to be a play going on? Oh come on, nobody wants to write about that! Look! Bums!"

Books
Yet more Hitlerlit this month, courtesy of Norman Mailer in his latest opus Whence Cometh Such Evil?: It's All About The Blowjobs! And the Clairevoyant Review was distressed to learn that the latest instalment of Jade Goody's autobiography has been cancelled and her contract torn up, amid yet another media furore over her dubious cultural sensitivities. Goody herself faced the cameras to protest: "I'm really upset that people got the wrong impression of me from my recent exercise video We're All Going Paki-Bashing! but I want to stress that I didn't mean it in a racist way at all."

Television
There has been no television this month, since we have just lost a nuclear war with India and the south-east of England is uninhabitable. Isn't it nice?

Advertising
Sainsburys are once again leading the field with ingenious marketing strategies. As many of you remember, back in 2007 they started giving away rewards and prizes to people who bought fresh fruit and vegetables as part of their 5-A-Day programme. Since 2010, customers have only been allowed to purchase desserts after demonstrating that they have eaten up all their greens. As of this month, loyalty card holders can sign up to a special scheme whereby a Sainsburys employee will come to your house each mealtime, cut up your food for you, arrange it into an appealing smiley face, and fly it into your mouth on the end of a plastic spoon while making aeroplane noises. Clairevoyant sources suggest off-the-record that the company is already in negotiation with NHS service providers to install walk-in booths in their supermarkets, where the general public can go should they feel that they require burping.

Music and Online Culture
After 5 long years, the worldwide web has finally recovered from the Great Apple Bummer of '07. I still remember that traumatic February, when the license holders put the Beatles back catalogue online for legal MP3 download. I remember, too, the catastrophic consequences as millions of Dads up and down the UK simultaneously attempted to learn to download music, thereby crashing the entire internet. Perhaps this is why you STILL can't get good classical music anywhere online. Or perhaps it's just because much of the internet, despite 30 years of evolution, is still really very shit indeed.