Maybe it's the glimmer of Xmas on the horizon but top trumps are everywhere these days. I'm just waiting for top trumps top trumps. But, hey, as long as there's a bandwagon I'll jump on it. Therefore, it is with no ceremony whatsoever that I unveil Literary Top Trumps. I'll endeavour to create additional cards for the deck every issue. Who knows, there may even be a playable game at the end of it, although it seems unlikely.
Some assembly (of the scissors and gluestick variety -- you may need someone responsible, or at least with adequate motor skills, to help you with this) will be required.
The game, such as it is, works just the same as every other game of top trumps you've ever played. All the cards are dealt out (face down) and the starting player selects a category from his topmost card. Everyone plays their top card and the winner of the round is the one whose card has the highest value in that category. The winner receives the topmost card of all the other players and places them at the bottom of his pile. He then chooses the category for the next. And so on for the next nine hours. Players are eliminated when they lose their last card and the winner is the one who obtains the whole pack.
The categories are as follows:
Smut & Salacity (S&S)
"And so to cunt again" -- the Earl of Rochester
This is not a lesser known work by Jane Austen, it is just a truth universally acknowledged that one of few compelling reasons for reading literary fiction at all is to learn new and exciting ways to say bum.
Cultitude
"You're neither unnatural, nor abominable, nor mad; you're as much a part of what people call nature as anyone else; only you're unexplained as yet." -- Radclyff Hall
There good books, and mediocre books, and difficult books, and rewarding books and some books that are just plain bad. When a lot of people who like a bad book get together this is called a cult following and is often better than having written a good book in the first place.
Edginess
"If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual the least you can do is go into the arts." -- Kurt Vonnegut
Edgy books are books which really push the envelope. Especially if the envelope is decorated with the author's hastily biro'd critique of the modern world. And especially if the pushing is down your throat. These books are often neglected because people are afraid that if they stick them A Level syllabuses they'll end up with sixth formers staging rooftop protests. That and, also, they're usually shite.
Sesquipidity
"I fear those big words, Stephen said, which make us so unhappy" -- James Joyce
The invention of wordments encomproses a venarified traditionship in English literaity. There is, in adextrance, a distincted satisfiety in underprehending prassages of textstuff so fruzzlingly impulcated as to positatedly squamp more lessome readists. Innit?
Text Appeal
"When you read the book, you know that everybody's horny. All that flirtation and dancing and conversation, but nobody's going to get laid." -- Colin Firth
There are certain works which benefit from close and critical study, careful referencing and the insight of illuminated critics. There are also certain works which benefit from being on the telly.
Gross Literary Merit (GLM)
"Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things." -- Pamela Anderson
It's not proper literature if you can't bludgeon a walrus to death with it.
The game, such as it is, works just the same as every other game of top trumps you've ever played. All the cards are dealt out (face down) and the starting player selects a category from his topmost card. Everyone plays their top card and the winner of the round is the one whose card has the highest value in that category. The winner receives the topmost card of all the other players and places them at the bottom of his pile. He then chooses the category for the next. And so on for the next nine hours. Players are eliminated when they lose their last card and the winner is the one who obtains the whole pack.
The categories are as follows:
Smut & Salacity (S&S)
"And so to cunt again" -- the Earl of Rochester
This is not a lesser known work by Jane Austen, it is just a truth universally acknowledged that one of few compelling reasons for reading literary fiction at all is to learn new and exciting ways to say bum.
Cultitude
"You're neither unnatural, nor abominable, nor mad; you're as much a part of what people call nature as anyone else; only you're unexplained as yet." -- Radclyff Hall
There good books, and mediocre books, and difficult books, and rewarding books and some books that are just plain bad. When a lot of people who like a bad book get together this is called a cult following and is often better than having written a good book in the first place.
Edginess
"If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual the least you can do is go into the arts." -- Kurt Vonnegut
Edgy books are books which really push the envelope. Especially if the envelope is decorated with the author's hastily biro'd critique of the modern world. And especially if the pushing is down your throat. These books are often neglected because people are afraid that if they stick them A Level syllabuses they'll end up with sixth formers staging rooftop protests. That and, also, they're usually shite.
Sesquipidity
"I fear those big words, Stephen said, which make us so unhappy" -- James Joyce
The invention of wordments encomproses a venarified traditionship in English literaity. There is, in adextrance, a distincted satisfiety in underprehending prassages of textstuff so fruzzlingly impulcated as to positatedly squamp more lessome readists. Innit?
Text Appeal
"When you read the book, you know that everybody's horny. All that flirtation and dancing and conversation, but nobody's going to get laid." -- Colin Firth
There are certain works which benefit from close and critical study, careful referencing and the insight of illuminated critics. There are also certain works which benefit from being on the telly.
Gross Literary Merit (GLM)
"Size does matter. There's a lot of ways to make people feel good, but personally I think it does enhance things." -- Pamela Anderson
It's not proper literature if you can't bludgeon a walrus to death with it.
