With the capitalist system reeling around like a punch-drunk boxer, and the destiny of the world hinging on a contest between the Chosen One and a cranky old man whose running mate has become the poster girl for willful ignorance, there's obviously no subject on Earth more important and relevant than the latest new cola from Pepsi, Pepsi Raw.

To give some context, although like everyone else who isn't actually employed by Coca-Cola or Pepsi I'll happily drink either company's brands, I confess that I'm slightly biased towards Pepsi. Specifically, I regard Pepsi Max as the pinnacle of the drink-by-the-gallon soft drinks market. Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi and Diet Pepsi I consider pretty interchangeable; Coke Zero is a flavourless horror. But Pepsi Max is different: it's pure bottled psychosis and it tastes great! I don't know whether they actually dump way more caffeine into Pepsi Max than they do their other brands, or whether the extra flavouring has its own psychoactive effect, but after a few glasses of Max I'm going to be up all night tweaking like a speed freak. And that is precisely what I want out of that sort of soft drink: a caffeine hit that calms my withdrawal-shakes and gives me the anxiety-shakes in the space of three sips.

But having captured the "caffeine is my methamphetamine" end of the cola market, it's clear that Pepsi have decided that now is the time to roll out a classier, more refined brand. Enter Pepsi Raw. Just as Pepsi Max's advertising was built around a single simple idea - "maximum flavour, no sugar" - which carried with it a bunch of additional connotations (like EXTREME SPORTS!!!), Pepsi Raw's marketing relies on a single simple idea which carries with it connotations of middle-class refinement and physical purity and virtue (also, stripy figures engaging in interpretive dance-filled foreplay). Pepsi Raw, the advertising tells us, is produced from all-natural ingredients. Now, I appreciate that in the eyes of many people the discussion stops there, simply because they have this bizarre prejudice against consuming drinks produced partially (or entirely) from artificially synthesised substances, but hold up, because I think leaving the chemistry set at home was a serious mistake on Pepsi's part.

Once more, I have to confess to a certain bias. I absolutely love Fentiman's Curiosity Cola brand. Fentiman's, for those who aren't familiar with them, have been in the all-natural soft drink game for years, and their flavour-filled cola brand is wonderful; if Pepsi Max is a packet of cigarettes, Curiosity Cola is a fine cigar. It is entirely possible that my familiarity with Curiosity Cola has ruined Pepsi Raw for me; after all, many consumers probably haven't had much contact with all-natural colas (I thought colas were inherently unnatural before I met Fentiman's) and might be entirely satisfied with Raw.

I feel that this is unlikely, though: I think (or at least I hope) that the vast majority of people simply will not be fooled by this tepid excuse for a gourmet soft drink. I tested Pepsi Raw under circumstances which should surely have been reasonably favourable to it, sipping at it from a glass with a reasonable amount of ice in, the Raw coming in a glass bottle chilled to a suitable temperature. This is a mere lemon slice away from the "perfect serve" advocated on the official site for the drink, but I felt that adding lemon would be letting Pepsi Raw off the hook - if Pepsi really feel that Pepsi Raw needs lemon to complete it, they should have put it in with the rest of the ingredients. I have to admit that Raw does present itself well (dancing stripy-outlined nudes aside), its colouring being just a shade lighter than standard Pepsi or Pepsi Max - that'll be the all-natural caramel colouring ingredient - and thus succeeding in distinguishing it from its cousins, whilst it offered a light but pleasant aroma that is a bit less overwhelming than the enticing chemical invitation of Pepsi Max.

I'm sorry to report, however, that Pepsi Raw is all flash and no substance. Let me start by criticising the effervescence of the brand, or rather the lack thereof. Now, I will grant you that too much fizz in a soda isn't necessarily a good thing, and that a product as (supposedly) refined and subtle as Pepsi Raw demands a lighter touch. But there should be no reason why a sparkling drink fresh from a bottle opened less than a minute ago should be flatter than day-old mineral water, and yet Pepsi Raw is. There is no excuse for this - Fentiman's manage to produce an all-natural cola with a bit of energy and vigour in its bubbling, after all. But what is especially baffling is that this lack of fizz is accompanied by a lack of flavour. Granted, Pepsi Raw should be expected to be easier on the palette than Pepsi Max, but a gourmet cola should at least have more flavour than, say, Diet Coke; Pepsi Raw only barely matches it.

In all the important respects, in fact, Pepsi Raw strongly reminded me of Fentiman's Curiosity Cola, watered down to the point of wretched, bland inoffensiveness. It is a wasted opportunity of enormous proportions which betrays the fact that Pepsi don't quite understand the market they are aiming for; nobody who has actually sampled Fentiman's (in the UK) or one of the many similar brands in the US would consider Pepsi Raw to be a worthy competitor to those all-natural colas, and yet that appears to be precisely what it is intended to be. Pepsi deserve to suffer for this incredible blunder, and the marketplace will undoubtedly punish them; I will be content so long as Pepsi Max is safe. There is no better geekfuel than Pepsi Max, just as there is no greater disappointment in the soft drinks field than Pepsi Raw.