I'd like to start this review (which like most Ferretbrain reviews will actually be more of an extended ramble and will involve strong spoilers from the outset) by citing a quote from the last page of City of Bones (told you there'd be spoilers) which I think perfectly highlights the problem I have with Urban Fantasy:

"And there it was spread out before her like a carelessly opened jewellery box, this city more populous and more amazing than she had ever imagined: There was the emerald square of central park, where the faerie courts met on midsummer evenings; there were the lights of the clubs and bars downtown, where the vampires danced the nights away at Pandemonium; there the alleys of Chinatown down which the Werewolves slunk at night, their coats reflecting the city's lights. There walked warlocks in all their bat-winged, cat-eyed glory; and here, as they swung out over the river, she saw the darting flash of multicoloured tails under the silvery skin of the water, she shimmer of long, pearl-strewn hair and heard the high, rippling laughter of the mermaids."

Now I freely admit that this is a personal bugbear, but it actually kind of pisses me off that in order for the good Miss Clare to find any sense of wonder in the city of New York she has to imagine that it's full of cheap, derivative White Wolf characters.

Repeat after me, Urban Fantasy writers: vampires do not make the world more interesting. Werewolves do not make the world more interesting. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamed of in Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter.

Anyway, onto the book. By the way, this gets kind of incoherent. This is because reading City of Bones has actually caused me to suffer physical brain damage.

First Things First: The Harry Potter Connection

I really, honestly, didn't want to do this. I spent the first half of the book saying "no, it's just because you know she was from that fandom, just because the villain's got an agenda of racial purity, a name beginning with V, and a secret society backing him up which he started when he was in high school, that doesn't mean it's not still an original work of fiction."

Then it turned out that the scruffy, bookish older character, who had a crush on the heroine's mother and while never popular at school had managed to find his way into a clique of popular kids and was very pleased about it was a fucking werewolf. His name is "Lucian," by the way.

In short: it's a Harry Potter AU in which Lily married Voldemort and gave birth to Draco and Hermione, while Remus Lupin hung around looking sad.

Okay, it doesn't map exactly: the Voldemort-analogue's Death-eater-analogue seems to have started out as more of a Marauders-analogue, and the Dumbledore-analogue appears to have been part of the group as well. There are enough parallels, however that if you're already aware of where the author started off you just can't stop making comparisons.

Although Mr Not-Lupin was my breaking point, it's the villain that really strikes me as being a bit similar to a certain well known figure from a certain well known series. His name is Valentine (that's his first name, by the way, his last name is Morgenstern). Everybody starts the book thinking he's dead. Many years ago he started a war which nearly tore apart the Shadowhunter World, and although he was defeated people still fear his return. His rise to power relied on a sinister organisation which he founded at the age of fucking seventeen. Oh, and of course he's dedicated to an agenda of racial purity, and talks about blood all the time.

So, yeah. Bit familiar really.

And I never thought I'd say this, but the difference between Valentine and Voldemort is that Voldemort actually works (at least until the point where he gets resurrected and starts acting like a muppet). In a children's series set in a boarding school, you can accept the idea that the path to world domination begins in the sixth form. In a Young Adult series set in actual New York you really can't.

But that's enough about Why It's A Bit Like Harry Potter, because it really is too easy.

Style, Plot and Pacing: Full Tilt to Nowhere

It has been said that Drama is real life with the boring bits taken out. This is almost certainly true, for a reasonably strict definition of the "boring bits". Certainly I wouldn't want to watch a drama that was actually, genuinely shot in real time, with hour long scenes of the characters doing housework or playing World of Warcraft (note that 24 in no way counts as "shot in real time," it's just a 24-episode drama series that happens to give its episodes numbers for titles). However it's important to recognise that there are lots of bits which don't count as boring, and which good drama leaves in. Things like establishing character, laying the groundwork for your plot, and having lines of dialogue that aren't fucking one-liners.

City of Bones is real life with all the bits that don't involve people being actively awesome taken out. So the dialogue consists entirely of characters exchanging pithy quips or heated emotional outbursts, the action judders from fight to explosion to exposition without passing through anything in the middle. Our esteemed editor gave up on the book on page 63 when she got to the "Jace on the Piano" scene, I very nearly gave up on the book about a hundred pages later when it was revealed that Clary's mother had been married to Valentine.

I'm just going to let that paragraph hang there for a bit.

Hopefully you're now thinking "hold on Dan, why did you find that so annoying, are you going to explain to us why we should care about this, or are you just going to leave it there with no context or explanation."

Which is exactly how I felt about that scene.

Valentine, in case you've already forgotten (and to be honest I wouldn't blame you) is the racially motivated villain of Clare's totally original fantasy world. By page one-hundred-and-whatever we know bugger all about the guy except that he's the Designated Villain of this particular secondary creation. He apparently started a (totally original) war a few years ago in an attempt to purge the world of non-humans, and everybody thought he was dead but maybe he isn't dum dum dummmmm!

The problem is that the only thing that Valentine has done so far is maybe not be dead and possibly be implicated in abducting Clary's Mother because he's maybe looking for a thing called the Mortal Cup. It's sort of like having the "I Am Your Father" scene in Star Wars take place before the destruction of Alderaan. We find out that Jocelyn (Clary's mother and before you ask, no, nobody in this entire book has a name that isn't stupid) was married to Valentine before we really find out why we should give a shit about either of them (insofar as we ever do).

Incidentally our esteemed editor has pointed out that, tellingly, the moment she gave up on the book was the moment that made it bad romance, while the moment I gave up on it was the moment that made it bad fantasy. Make of that what you will.

Anyway, the basic plot is that there's this waste of space called Valentine who started a totally original war about sixteen years ago, and who is now looking for a thing called the Mortal Cup because he wants to create an army of Shadowhunters to wipe out the Downworlders (non humans to you and me) and safeguard the world from demons for all time.

There's a couple of things I'd like to say about that.

Firstly: Bored. So bored.

Secondly: Apart from the fact that he's Designated Evil, what exactly is wrong with this plan? Half the Downworlders we meet actually are horrifically dangerous and actually do kill people. It's not unreasonable to suggest that they should be dealt with, and the idea of making more Shadowhunters is actually a really good one. But Valentine is evil so, whatevs.

Anyway, in order to safeguard the Mortal Cup from Valentine they for some unfathomable reason have to go on a long CRPG quest where they talk to people, who send them to talk to other people, who help them to unlock Clary's Super Special Self Insert Memories which apparently contain the Key to Everything. After about five chapters of "now you must go here, now you must go here, now you must go to a party with a gay warlock" they finally find out that actually her memories will come back on their own, she just has to give them time, and also the magic feather isn't really magic and it was just her all along.

Sorry, I'm actually boring myself writing this.

So then there's a filler chapter where they have to rescue one of the supporting cast from vampires and another filler chapter where the vampires are attacked by werewolves and Jace and Clary go flying on a vampire motorbike. Then there's some angst and drama, then they go get the Mortal Cup because Clary realises that she's known where it was all along, but only she has the power to retrieve it because zomg special. Then there is Betrayal! Then there is Exposition! Then eventually the fucking thing ends and I can go back to doing something more interesting like unblocking our waste disposal unit.

The final revelation of the book is that not only was Valentine married to Clary's mother but that he was also her father. The book seems to expect me to be surprised at this, but given that her real father was supposed to have died before she was born leaving no personal effects whatsoever or any evidence that he'd ever existed and since, true to form, Shadowhunters never marry Mundanes (because what would somebody who isn't Teh Speshul possibly have to bring to a relationship) anybody with half a brain has already worked out that Clary's father is probably her mother's husband.

But! It also turns out that Valentine is Jace's father, having faked both his and Jace's death, and assumed the identity of Michael Wayland (one of his followers, who he killed) in order to evade detection. Then he faked his death a second time and sent Jace to live at the Institute. The institute which is full of photographs of the real Michael Wayland, and of Valentine, which Jace somehow never recognised. This final whammy ends in a classic exchange that goes something like this:

"But, the Wayland ring-"
"Ah yes," said Valentine, looking at Jace's hand, where the ring glittered like snake scales. "The ring. Funny isn't it how an M worn upside down resembles a W."

No. No it fucking doesn't, you moron. For a start it's a ring, and rings are fucking circular. You can't wear it "upside down" because people look at your hand from different angles. And what the hell kind of family crest is it that's just the first letter of your freaking surname with no context or decoration? Where the hell did that come from, My First Heraldry Kit? And why didn't the people at the institute, most of whom were your former allies, recognise your family crest? And why didn't you just have him wear the actual insignia of the family you were pretending to be from you stupid, derivative stock villain?

In short the plot is stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. The pacing is shot to hell, full of scenes that seemed like a cool idea at the time, or which only exist to showcase some part of the setting. It's full of cheap shortcuts and copouts and unadulterated nonsense.

"Characterisation." You Notice I Used Sarcastic Quote Marks

There isn't any. I'm really sorry to come back to the fanfic thing again, but the fact is that the only way to get sense of personality from any of the characters in the damned book was to assume that they were their Harry Potter analogues and work from there.

That's right guys. This book makes Harry Potter look like a thoughtfully constructed work of character-driven drama. While Voldemort's actions frequently seem at odds with his alleged motivation (if he's so afraid of death, why does he treat his Horcruxes so carelessly, if he cares so little for life, why doesn't he kill the heroes when he gets the chance?) at least I know that he's supposed to have some kind of reason for his actions. Valentine on the other hand just feels like a puppet going through the motions of villainy in order to provide the story with some semblance of direction.

Then there's Jace. Who. Never. Says. Anything. That. Isn't. A. One. Liner. And okay, I know that part of the deal is that he's been so terribly hurt that he can't allow himself to have normal feelings which is why his love for Clary is so special but fuck that. "Makes constant wisecracks" is not a psychologically realistic portrayal of an emotionally scarred teenager, it's a cheap bit of sub-Buffy wish fulfilment. Towards the climax of the book they face an honest to god Demon Lord and he actually gives it sass.

Look, it really is very simple. Your readers take their cues from your characters. If you show us a scene in which your protagonists fight a Big Scary Demon and they act like it Isn't Scary At All, then we, the readers will assume that the Big Scary Demon is in fact Not Scary At All. If your characters are unimpressed by your world, it doesn't make the character look cool, it makes the world look unimpressive. Those who are following in their textbooks will find this principle outlined in Chapter One under the heading "Show Don't Tell, Dumbass."

Let's see, who else is actually in this turd of a novel? There's Alec, who is gay and Isabelle, who is his sister, who wears thigh high boots and carries a whip, and has hair "nearly the precise colour of black ink". Leaving aside the fact that the description makes her sound like the World of Warcraft Succubus her main function in the book is to be theoretically sexy but only enough to make the quiet, unselfconscious beauty of Clary to look special by comparison.

Then there's Hodge, who betrays everybody, which would come as more of a shock if I had the slightest grip on his personality beyond "well he's probably a bit like Dumbledore but I don't know really".

And that's it. Jesus Christ there are only about eight characters in the entire fucking book, you'd think one of them might have had some semblance of an identity. You would have thought wrong.

Unanswered Questions: Who Runs This Idiot World?

So, how did Jace not recognise that his father looked like Valentine, and not like the man who was actually supposed to be his father?

Why, if the only way to get more Shadowhunters is for them to be born to existing Shadowhunters, or for them to be made with the Mortal Cup (at a terrible risk) why the fuck don't Shadowhunters ever marry Mundanes?

Why isn't the Clave doing anything?

How did Valentine manage to put together a world-dominating secret conspiracy at the age of seventeen?

What's so fucking special about Clary?

Why is saving the world being left in the hands of five teenagers?

Are there really two more books in this series?

Why didn't I do the sensible thing and stop reading on page 114?