Gah. I suspect it is the opinion of most reviewers that writing something about places that are good or bad is easy. The difficulty comes in finding something to say about the mediocre - the meh, the bland, the uninspiring, the so-so. Old Orleans is just such a place - or rather, Old Orleanses are such places, it being a chain. So, one boring review coming up. I promise to make up for it in the future by going somewhere cool, but alas my last few trips to cool places have been visited for someone's birthday / the place where some friends are getting married / afterwards, men with guns chased me home and erased my memories.

The details:

Old Orleans
Threeways House
George Street
Oxford
OX1 2BJ

What I ate:

1 x Diet Coke
1 x Southern Fried Chicken

Total Price: Well, I don't remember, and their website isn't forthcoming (they probably charge different prices in different venues). It was under a tenner though.

And here's the mark scheme...

Food: 30
Ambience: 30
Service: 20
Price: 10
Drinks: 10

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Righto, to the food. Old Orleans has the motto you'll never leave hungry', which strikes me as not entirely in their control, but which is something they do their best to assure. Portions on the main courses are large, and good value at that, although perhaps they're making up for slightly stingy portions on the starters (I didn't have one, but my girlfriend did).

That said, the quality was hit and miss. The fried chicken I had was a little dry and tough, and the chips on the luke-warm side. I didn't hear good things about the other meals being had either. That said, on prior occasions I've had a very nice fried chicken (of a slightly different variety), and their tofu and mushroom fajita wraps were very nice. All of which makes things descend into the whole meh' stage. It could be nice, it could be a bit dodgy, generally it's all very chain foody. That said, you do get a bowl of popcorn while you're waiting for your meal, which is awesome. Stale, but awesome.

Food: 14/30

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As for ambience, the place was a little schizophrenic. The intended look is of a sort of mixture of general Americana and stuff specific to New Orleans. Well, not flood water, but stuff other than that. Hence the walls were covered in pictures of saxophones and depraved clowns.

Old Orleans always does always seem to be a little empty though. I'm not sure if that's because it looks like a bar from the street (to be honest I only found out there was a restaurant recently), or simply because you could getter better food just down the road at ASK, but it does kind of put a damper on the whole Mardi Gras' ambience. But the place wasn't ugly.

Ambience: 16/30

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Service was friendly, and the waitress was American - it contributed to the ambience. Well, actually, she might have been Canadian, but it's all the same really, isn't it? (runs and hides)

Food came quickly too - we were grabbing a quick bite before the cinema, and needed to be in and out fast, but that was no problem. That said, going back to earlier instance of being at Old Orleans, they certainly have the capacity to be slow, or get orders wrong, or indeed to serve them missing certain vital ingredients... which isn't good.

Service: 10/20

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Price... well, the starters are too expensive, but the mains are cheap the make up for it. I suspect that OO's business plan is to make its profits on starters and puddings. Also, drinks are overpriced, but more on that later (which won't stop them getting marked down twice).

Price: 6/10

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Drinks... well, almost any drink under the sun is available provided it's not too specialised - as you would expect in a mainstream bar/restaurant really. Sadly however, OO committed one drinks-related cardinal sin ...

Soft drinks, as everyone knows, come in two varieties. The type that comes out of a bottle, and which is full of flavour; and the type which comes out of a dispenser in McDonalds and tastes of water (unless you know someone who works there). Now, I'm not terribly offended by the watery-crap option, even if I'm paying 1.50 for a glass of it, provided one other thing applies: refills.

I got a taste for this in California once, and you can get it in a few places in the UK (Nando's for example). In these places, when you buy watery crap, the management realise they're only having to shell out about a penny a glass, and so simply refill it for free every time you hit bottom. This, for me, justifies the huge mark up. However, Old Orleans does not do this, and its crap is especially watery. Be warned, and sting them for tap water. Also, they call their milkshakes 'smoothies', in a manner which would commonly be called 'lying'.

Drinks: 3/10

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Overall then... meh, as I said at the beginning. I'd almost say you should go somewhere horrible instead - at least you'll get to bitch.

Overall mark: 49%... can't get more average than that. Well, except 50%. Or something else entirely if you were going for a mean average.