Monday, 23 July 2007
(Ferret Food, What The Fuck!?!) Julian Lynch with our first Ferret Food column.
~
The Significant Other's parents came around this weekend, so there was a dilemma: one we've all experienced at times I'm sure. A dread, terrible choice, on which all life and happiness hangs. "Where shall we go for lunch?" someone asks. Then comes the bargaining, the complaining, the false cries of "anywhere's fine with me", lies, recrimination, death, disease, famine and genocide. The discussion can be made easier only by two things - direct experience and reviews. Since I love dining out and since I also like trashing the hard work of others, I am hereby instituting a fine new tradition " Ferret Food! In Ferret Food, I will review every eatery I visit, giving it a handy percentage score so you can decide whether it's the place for you. Here's the scheme...
All restaurants are given a score out of 100. High is good, low is bad. This 100 breaks down as follows:
30 marks for food
30 marks for ambience
20 marks for service
10 marks for price
10 marks for drinks
I'll generally try to give things marks on their own terms. For example, price is about how good value something is, rather than just whether it's cheap. In the 'food' category, a pub lunch is going to get rated for how good a pub lunch it is, not for how it stacks up next to a Michelin Starred restaurant. Ultimately though, I'm bound to be idiosyncratic, so you'll have to take into account my taste for good food, middle-class eating establishments and anything that's either old and full of ambience or fun.
As for overall marks, here's what I'd say a rating means:
0-20: Don't go here, or you will likely die.
21-40: Utter shit hole. Don't give them your money - if they go out of business, someone competent might buy the premises and do something nice with it.
41-60: Fine, if you like the type of food they serve, or if you're not fussed about drinks, ambience, or something similar.
61-80: Good stuff - highly recommended, although there's probably some small things wrong with it.
81-100: Excellent! Eat in places like this every time if you can afford it.
So, without further ado, this week's review:
'THE FOX AND HOUNDS PUB AND CARVERY'
279 Abingdon Road
Oxford
OX1 4TJ
The Fox and Hounds is a safe, chainy, family pub stuck on the corner of Abingdon Road and Donington Bridge Road - one of those places done up (badly) to look like a 17th century coaching inn, although the effect is completely ruined by a garish sign that looks like it was made by a machine rather than painted with care by a human. The Fox and Hounds is, apparently, 'famous' for its carvery - something that drew (with some reservations on my part) me, my significant other, and her parents to it last weekend.
It was bad. Oh my, it was bad.
--
Let's start with the food. The pub has two ways of serving food - a bar menu and a carvery, for which you buy a ticket and join a little (or in fact, rather big) queue. The menu is standard pub food, the carvery is some sort of roast meat with serve-yourself veg and potatoes on the side.
Alas, all of it is revolting. Dry meat. Slimy veg. Mostly cold. Not enough veg around, so that those (like me) at the end of the queue couldn't fill their plates because it was all gone. Insult was added to this injury by the 25 minute wait in a queue full of complaining grandmothers and children, caused partially by the number of customers and partially by the fact the server kept disappearing off for five minutes to God-knows-where. For vegetarians, there was absolutely no provision at all. The bar menu isn't served when the carvery is available and the carvery served only meat. Pudding was, if anything, even more dire. Having been talked into ordering a gooseberry cheesecake, my girlfriend's mother received it on a warm plate fresh from the dishwasher, which melted the ice cream into soup before it even reached our table. To top it off, this (clearly from a packet) cake was served with some packaging still buried in it. We got our money back and ran.
So, for food: 5/30
--
Ambience... Well, there was a dead wasp on my table. The cubicle in the men's toilets had no seat and no lock. The place was crowded, and the queuing system for the carvery and over-worked staff created a sensation of mild panic. The customers were reasonable though, and the place was neither excessively dirty nor unpleasant smelling.
Ambience: 12/30
--
As for the service... well, it blew hot and cold. They were very polite in giving us our money back, for which I am grateful. The staff were also always polite, even if they looked over-worked and mildly distressed. There were downsides though - the waiter for our table looked like Oliver Reed once he'd gone through a shredder. Ugliness and a neck beard are not problems for me per se, but his blackened, rotting teeth actually put me off my meal, which is not something waiting staff should do. There was also a young lady who insisted on cleaning the tables near us with chemical bleach so strong I thought she was re-enacting the Somme. Again, not conducive to an enjoyable meal. The man serving at the carvery was less of a problem, although he did keep dropping Yorkshire Puddings, disappearing (see above), and something about his face made me worry he was going to bend me over a barrel and rape me while yelling "squeal piggy, squeal!!!!"
They also managed to run out of plates and cutlery. Not good.
Service: 6/20
--
Economy wise, you were paying about 8.00 for the carvery plate here, which is too much. But then, I think their charging for the food at all was a bit excessive. The stuff on the menu looked more reasonable, although since we couldn't eat from it it's hard to judge. Puddings were only about 2.50 each. The revolting packet-cake was not worth even that.
Price: 4/10
--
In terms of drinks, this was a standard slightly down-market pub. Nothing fun or special, but a reasonable selection of lager and cheap liquor. For what it was, I can't complain too much, but equally there's nothing to be excited about either.
Drinks: 5/10
--
So the Fox and Hounds gets an overall score of...
32%
Don't go here. It is under no circumstances worth it. If you're looking for similar priced, simple pub food in Oxford, try the Angel and Greyhound on St. Clements if you need to park close by, or any of the pubs in the city centre if you don't. The Turf in particular does the same food better for the same price.
All restaurants are given a score out of 100. High is good, low is bad. This 100 breaks down as follows:
30 marks for food
30 marks for ambience
20 marks for service
10 marks for price
10 marks for drinks
I'll generally try to give things marks on their own terms. For example, price is about how good value something is, rather than just whether it's cheap. In the 'food' category, a pub lunch is going to get rated for how good a pub lunch it is, not for how it stacks up next to a Michelin Starred restaurant. Ultimately though, I'm bound to be idiosyncratic, so you'll have to take into account my taste for good food, middle-class eating establishments and anything that's either old and full of ambience or fun.
As for overall marks, here's what I'd say a rating means:
0-20: Don't go here, or you will likely die.
21-40: Utter shit hole. Don't give them your money - if they go out of business, someone competent might buy the premises and do something nice with it.
41-60: Fine, if you like the type of food they serve, or if you're not fussed about drinks, ambience, or something similar.
61-80: Good stuff - highly recommended, although there's probably some small things wrong with it.
81-100: Excellent! Eat in places like this every time if you can afford it.
So, without further ado, this week's review:
'THE FOX AND HOUNDS PUB AND CARVERY'
279 Abingdon Road
Oxford
OX1 4TJ
The Fox and Hounds is a safe, chainy, family pub stuck on the corner of Abingdon Road and Donington Bridge Road - one of those places done up (badly) to look like a 17th century coaching inn, although the effect is completely ruined by a garish sign that looks like it was made by a machine rather than painted with care by a human. The Fox and Hounds is, apparently, 'famous' for its carvery - something that drew (with some reservations on my part) me, my significant other, and her parents to it last weekend.
It was bad. Oh my, it was bad.
--
Let's start with the food. The pub has two ways of serving food - a bar menu and a carvery, for which you buy a ticket and join a little (or in fact, rather big) queue. The menu is standard pub food, the carvery is some sort of roast meat with serve-yourself veg and potatoes on the side.
Alas, all of it is revolting. Dry meat. Slimy veg. Mostly cold. Not enough veg around, so that those (like me) at the end of the queue couldn't fill their plates because it was all gone. Insult was added to this injury by the 25 minute wait in a queue full of complaining grandmothers and children, caused partially by the number of customers and partially by the fact the server kept disappearing off for five minutes to God-knows-where. For vegetarians, there was absolutely no provision at all. The bar menu isn't served when the carvery is available and the carvery served only meat. Pudding was, if anything, even more dire. Having been talked into ordering a gooseberry cheesecake, my girlfriend's mother received it on a warm plate fresh from the dishwasher, which melted the ice cream into soup before it even reached our table. To top it off, this (clearly from a packet) cake was served with some packaging still buried in it. We got our money back and ran.
So, for food: 5/30
--
Ambience... Well, there was a dead wasp on my table. The cubicle in the men's toilets had no seat and no lock. The place was crowded, and the queuing system for the carvery and over-worked staff created a sensation of mild panic. The customers were reasonable though, and the place was neither excessively dirty nor unpleasant smelling.
Ambience: 12/30
--
As for the service... well, it blew hot and cold. They were very polite in giving us our money back, for which I am grateful. The staff were also always polite, even if they looked over-worked and mildly distressed. There were downsides though - the waiter for our table looked like Oliver Reed once he'd gone through a shredder. Ugliness and a neck beard are not problems for me per se, but his blackened, rotting teeth actually put me off my meal, which is not something waiting staff should do. There was also a young lady who insisted on cleaning the tables near us with chemical bleach so strong I thought she was re-enacting the Somme. Again, not conducive to an enjoyable meal. The man serving at the carvery was less of a problem, although he did keep dropping Yorkshire Puddings, disappearing (see above), and something about his face made me worry he was going to bend me over a barrel and rape me while yelling "squeal piggy, squeal!!!!"
They also managed to run out of plates and cutlery. Not good.
Service: 6/20
--
Economy wise, you were paying about 8.00 for the carvery plate here, which is too much. But then, I think their charging for the food at all was a bit excessive. The stuff on the menu looked more reasonable, although since we couldn't eat from it it's hard to judge. Puddings were only about 2.50 each. The revolting packet-cake was not worth even that.
Price: 4/10
--
In terms of drinks, this was a standard slightly down-market pub. Nothing fun or special, but a reasonable selection of lager and cheap liquor. For what it was, I can't complain too much, but equally there's nothing to be excited about either.
Drinks: 5/10
--
So the Fox and Hounds gets an overall score of...
32%
Don't go here. It is under no circumstances worth it. If you're looking for similar priced, simple pub food in Oxford, try the Angel and Greyhound on St. Clements if you need to park close by, or any of the pubs in the city centre if you don't. The Turf in particular does the same food better for the same price.
~
Didn't this contribute to the ambience?
Am I shallow?