Television

The most talked-about show of the spring season has undoubtedly been How Do You Grease A Technicolor Joey Like Janet? Eager young thespians have been queuing round the block in their sleeping-bags for a chance to audition, on national television, for a part in Andrew Lloyd Webber's brand new musical which tells the moving story of the life of Janet Street Porter as she rose from near-ubiquitous youth media pundit to near-ubiquitous middle-aged media pundit through a series of celebrity reality shows each more samey than the last. I, for one, can't wait for the rest of the series; there hasn't been nearly enough Janet Street Porter on our screens for at least four hours now.

Film

First Batman became Batman Dark. Then Spiderman went all Goth. Then even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a new, ever-so-slightly-disturbing makeover. Now, as the 80s generation of youngsters become ever more credit-card-owningly-rip-offable, a new crop of movies charts the evolution of the hidden, sinister side of more childhood heroes. The most radical remake has been the new Care Bears Movie, Emo Bear Paints It Black, a low-key exploration of adolescent rage and family breakdown in small-town Care-a-lot. Much more action-orientated is Quentin Tarantino's vivid re-imagining of the original Dogtanian series. Yes, there is blood. Yes, there is torture. Yes, he still does the thing with the apple off the opening credits. That was, after all, always the best bit.

Books

This season's crop of book awards has swelled to festering proportions, with no fewer than three prestigious awards on offer for every single title published in the last three months. As the field grows, so sponsors are becoming more and more specialised in their quest for bankable brand affiliation. The Thomas Cook Award has now become the Thomas Cook Award for the Best Book Involving Car Hire For As Little as 8 A Day, while the Sunday Times Book Award is now the Sunday Times Culture Section Book Award for People Who Think A A Gill is In Some Way Clever and Write In To Newspapers To Complain About The Plots On Emmerdale. Whether this award proliferation will actually help readers to choose good books is a question which remains to be proved, although it is interesting to note that this year's Nescafe Gold Blend Put-Your-Feet-Up Book Award went to a 28-page volume of postcards of kittens entitled A Souvenir from Brighton, and the Price Waterhouse Cooper Best Business Book shortlist is currently headed by the latest rewrite of the instruction manual to Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing.

Music

This year's British Eurovision entry has been more controversial than usual. In a celebration of authentic British musical culture, a group of four celebrities, chosen by a national text-in vote, will be lurching round their handbags singing the wrong verse to I Will Survive while two fat men drink bitter and talk about how pop music has all been shit since Yoko Ono came along. The backing dancers will be Asbo Teens, whose challenging emotional journey from Asbo Teen to Eurovision Twat will be broadcast every night before Eastenders. My money, as always, is on Janet Street Porter.